Weddings Mean New Family Members
We recently had a wedding in our family. My oldest daughter, Summer, got married last weekend. My daughters and I did the decorating for the wedding and reception. Now that everything has been taken down and put away, I feel like I can breathe a moment and reflect.
The wedding got me to thinking a lot about family, and the joining of families. I’ve heard people say, “We didn’t lose our daughter, we gained a son” when talking about their daughter’s wedding. I always laughed and thought that was true, but in reality it’s so much more than that. The dynamics of adding a son-in-law or daughter-in-law mean so much more than adding just that person into your family! You’re blending two entire families together.
Think about it. If you’ve ever gone on a genealogy website to look up your family tree, and discovered all those different family names in your ancestors. Your great-great-grandmother was Russian, and she married an Irishman. Or perhaps your family had a branch of out-laws that you’d like to forget. There are names of every nationality. Now, you’ve just added a new name that will be forever bound to your family for future generations to research. It’s exciting and a little overwhelming at times, too!
My daughter married a wonderful man, whom we all adore, and respect. Before the wedding, I always thought about him joining our family, when in reality she’s joined his family, and we’ve all joined each other’s families. If you stop and think about how we are all tied together by marriage, it can be mind-boggling!
But what I really want to say to you today is this- putting all the blending aside, you’re down to something much more personal: feelings. When two families are joined by a marriage, there are a lot more feelings to take into consideration. There are more opinions on how things should be, where events should be held, or even who’s invited to events. It’s a give and take on every situation because it isn’t just about how “we” do it in our family, or how “they” do it in theirs, now it’s about how everyone does it together. And that’s okay.
I’m reminded of the early years in my own marriage, and the decisions we had to make about where to spend each holiday. Whose house do we go to first? Or do we just host everyone at our house? We were lucky because it wasn’t a big issue for us, my family lives far away. But some families really have a difficult time when it comes to get-togethers, especially if it’s a big holiday and people only have so much time.
I understand. I just want to say to anyone who is going through a new blending of families right now with me, just communicate. Talk things through. Make your decisions taking everyone’s feelings into consideration. Perhaps your new in-laws really don’t like to cook for Thanksgiving and they’d love to just hop in the car and show up for the meal that you’ve prepared! Awesome!
Maybe, your new daughter-in-law is dying to try out all her new china, and she’d really like to host Christmas dinner! Perfect! Start new traditions! Bend the “rules.” Being part of an extended family means compromising. So you don’t get to host or even attend every holiday, birthday or graduation party- its okay. In the big scheme of things, all that matters is that you get along, and love each other. Okay, you don’t have to love each other, but you need to get along for the sake of the couple who brought the families together in the first place.
It helps when you really like your new in-law family, as in my case, and everyone is easy to get along with. But remember, the last thing the newlyweds need is friction between their families. Friction among their families will cause friction between them. There will be disagreements and disappointments. Move forward. Be chill. Let them make their own decisions and go with it. Each of them knows the dynamics of their individual families better than anyone, so let them take the lead on how to handle things. Be loving and supportive of their decisions.
There will be wonderful gatherings, celebrations, and happy events, too. Hopefully, many more happy events than otherwise. Remember folks, communication is the key word!!
I’m taking my own advice on this one!
Here’s hoping all your family blending is smooth and friction-free!
Tami Loves…her new son, and all the family members he brings with him.
